The thick heat probes my neck, and I’ve lost.
“Did you want some feedback for next time?” Ample curiosity behind his glasses infuriates the situation.
“No! I will lose, and then ask questions.” A faint pound of clock hands. My brain is reeling with reasons why I can’t accept this failure. Every vibration in the controller reeks of ransomed determination. I keep pounding into buttons and creeping through worlds so that one of the ways I’ve defined myself can be managed. It’s a pitiful plan, but it belongs to me and won’t be flung aside without a fight. This is especially evident in front of my husband.
I begin to realize this strange side of my personality when tinkering with the Xbox. Suddenly it’s the glory of racking up points, of dominating a level, of exploring the secrets of an enemy in order to color my occupational attempts and produce joy. Normally this fearlessness is translated into acquiescence for whomever I work with in real life.
Now, let’s talk office shop a moment. Is it really that bad to tell your supervisor or nosy co-worker “No! I will lose, and then ask questions” every now and then? I’ve been slowly learning that it’s actually a fresh, welcome change. The worst that happened when I dug into a rather large project at work this week was that a minor part of what I created was unavailable. I even offered to re-do a part of this task, but my boss told me not to worry about it. It is out there, and ready to go. That ownership felt good, especially since I could’ve put it off until the middle of September. I also told a well-meaning, overzealous co-worker not to pay so much attention to my wardrobe choices. The worst that happened was I changed the subject, and we laughed about other things.
Plowing ahead without guidance is quite often discouraged in administrative situations, where everything should be carefully studied and quantified. This has its benefits, but desiring to bring more creative recovery (see here for a way to know this term if you live in Greensboro) to work means refusing to second-guess every idea that refutes extensive preparation. Credit must be given for years of training on learning management systems. Credit must also be given to jumping in and discovering later. This way of looking at things is more popular among the entrepreneurial set, but still lacks enthusiasm from the office side. Come on admins, what’s the worst that could happen?
In my case, I received some last-minute phone calls and e-mails about strange things happening on test modules. We e-mailed out hardcopy exams, and now I have about three extra days of paid work to dig into what happened. This is my learner passion coming out in full force, and why would I dread the beauty of solving problems? Perfectionism is no match for hard-earned invention. If this trajectory is kept, maybe weekly open-mic meetings are next!
As T and I venture into the Walking Dead 2 video game this month, I’ll continue my plunge into blind-folded play. Pre-meditation is for the puzzle and strategy section, equally useful but best for another time. Right now, there are zombies to kill and vet sales trainers to assist…